


Of Grieving Love

by Pline



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Other: See Story Notes, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:52:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3902038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pline/pseuds/Pline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grieving is a long and harsh process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Grieving Love

**Denial.**

“Look! The eagles are here! The eagles!”

But Thorin cannot look, not any more. _No, no, no. It cannot be!_ Yet, the dwarf does not move, does not look, does not breathe. “The eagle...” Bilbo's voice breaks over the words. It is too late. Thorin is...

No.

He will not say it. Saying it will make it true, and Bilbo cannot face the truth yet.

He looks at the eagles approaching. They are majestic, their wings so huge that they cast impossibly long shadows. He remembers the last time he saw the eagles. Thorin's body hanging in their claws, unmoving. He remembers Fili yelling his uncle's name. He remembers the joy he felt when Thorin finally moved.

Perhaps, Gandalf can still save him, he thinks, perhaps it is not too late.

He wants to believe, he wants to hope. He is waiting for Fili and Kili to come running, even though he saw... No. It is not possible. He must have seen wrong. How can it be?

“The eagles,” he says again, like a prayer than will not be heard.

**Anger.**

The anger grows slowly underneath his skin until it takes hold of his heart and his mind and he cannot think of anything else.

Bilbo is back in the Shire and Bilbo is changed but the Shire remains the same. He hates it. How could he have ever loved its green hills and its peaceful life? It feels so wrong now, and he feels so angry.

He wants the world to feel his pain. How can they smile? How can they laugh? How dare they ask him about such petty things as the weather? Do they think he cares about it? It is all so meaningless and so stupid.

They are dead! Dead and buried! Their copses are rotting under a mountain that will never be a home to them, and he will never seem them again!

He cannot stand anything. The smallest things unnerve him. He cannot find peace any more. He wants to yell at all those hobbits, reap their faces so as to make them stop smiling.

“Thorin is dead,” he wants to scream at Lobelia's false smile. “So are Fili and Kili! And you come into my own home with your manners and your stupidities?” But he just smiles, a smile as wrong as hers, and he says, “Do you want some more tea?”

He does not even feel like a hobbit any more. He does not belong in the Shire, but he belongs nowhere else either.

Eventually, he comes across the acorn that Thorin gave him, and it is too unfair, and it is too much, and he throws the acorn away and he screams and screams, and he knows his neighbours are probably waiting for him to just lose his mind already, and maybe it is the case but he cannot think, he just screams until his voice cracks and he does not know if he is still screaming or if he is crying.

The world is heavy and the air tastes bitter on his tongue. Why does it have to be like this? Why did they have to die?

**Bargaining.**

Bilbo has never really been the praying type, but he has never felt so lonely before and the fought of comfort from superior entities is sweet and easy. Ever since his break-down, as the others decided to call it, he only receives pity and fear from the inhabitants of the Shire. They do not understand his pain, perhaps the Valar will.

Hobbits do not really care for the Valar, they respect them but that is about it. For that, Bilbo is no different. But, after one too many nights spent crying silently over the loss of three of the dwarves who came to be so important to him, he decides to try.

As he does not know how it should be done, he finally decides to speak aloud and hopes that someone is listening.

The first thing to come out of his mouth is, “why?”. Yes, indeed, why? Why them? Why then? “Thorin had just gotten his kingdom back. They just had their home back, all of them. Why did they have to die? Fili and Kili... They were so young and so full of life. Why? I don't understand.”

He stops. An idea is forming in his mind. It is impossible and foolish, and yet... “It should have been me. I betrayed their trust and got away with it. I shouldn't have survived. It should have been me. It does not matter if I die, but they deserved more, they deserved to live. Please. Please, bring them back. I need... I love... Please, I...”

Bilbo, eyes closed, listens, holding his breath. Perhaps, he will hear a knock, perhaps...

Nothing happens.

He never tries praying again.

**Depression.**

Bilbo does not sleep, or he sleeps too much. He has lost all appetite. He knows the hobbits are worried but he cannot bring himself to care. One question keep lurking in the back of his mind, getting closer each day passing: why keep going?

It feels as if he will never get over his friends' death. He is alone here, surrounded by strangers. Or is he the stranger now? He knows he will never feel at home in the Shire, but Erebor can never be home. Maybe, if the Durins did not die, he would have stayed. He thought about it. He would have wanted to, he thinks.

He has accepted the fact that he was in love with Thorin. As a matter of fact, he still is, and probably will be for the rest of his life. Bilbo's father used to say that hobbits loved once in their life, that their love is like roots seizing their heart and never letting go. He was right.

He cared for Fili and Kili too, and their death is as heavy on his soul as their uncle's death. Sometimes, he thinks that Thorin could have loved him too. He imagines what it would have been like to live in Erebor, living with the Company, being happy at last. He would have learned a bit of Dwarvish culture, little by little, and he would have told his friends of Hobbit wisdom. It would not have been easy, of course, and he and Thorin would have had a long talk, but things would have been fine in the end.

He would have stood with the Company at Thorin's coronation, and they would have had a week-long feast to celebrate it.

So many could-have-beens, so many should-have-beens... Bilbo lives in an impossible past because the present is too painful and the future appears as arduous. So why keep going? Every time he comes back from his daydream fantasies, he goes through all that pain all over again, so raw and fresh it leaves him breathless.

The only thought that refrains him from doing anything permanent is that he will not see them again in the afterlife. After all, hobbits and dwarves do no go to the same place when they die... And, deep down, Bilbo cares about life too much to take his own.

The rest of the Company lives. The world keeps going. So, he cries, he tries to move on, he forces himself to go out, to walk, and when everything becomes too much for him to handle, he retreats in his smial and thinks of three dwarves who changed him for better or worse.

**Acceptance.**

One day, Bilbo is better. One day, he smiles without cringing. One day, leaving his smial is easier. One day, thinking of them is not as painful as it once were. He is not over them, he never will be, but his life does not revolve around their death any longer. He tries to focus on the good things and find happiness where he can.

Frodo helps. The Gamgees help. He is not alone any more.

When he sees Balin again once, they smile and laugh and share stories.

He plants the acorn. He lives.

He is fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Suicidal thoughts: Bilbo wonders if he must keep on living but does not do attempt to kill himself.
> 
> .
> 
> This is my first fic written for this fandom so I hope I did okay! This was really sad to write but I got very inspired suddenly and I had to write this.  
> If there are any mistakes, I apologise, English is not my Native languge, so please, tell me?  
> Thanks for reading!! :D


End file.
